Sunday, January 29, 2012

Not a Great Day for me.

Heavy post... rather depressing and emotional... 

I feeling all out of sorts... yesterday I dreamed that I was pregnant and that I gave birth to a dark haired baby girl. Just last night I dreamed that my son was dead and that I saw him in his coffin.
Shane was mad this am  " He just doesn't have the childhood he wants... he never gets his sister to play how he wants her to and he doesn't have half the stuff that other kids have. "  Such a cheerful kiddo ... and so eager to be positive.
Jerry the kids and I went to church this am... we have a new childrens' ministry leader -- so I was extra motivated to get Shane to be apart of the group and ., good....
I went in to service after dropping off Shane and Jessica-- and usually I cry or at least tear up during the singing...not today.
Today-- our pastor Dave said encouragement and I started crying... and I didn't quit.
Yep... I cried during the whole service. I even got up and went to the bathroom to see if I could stop-- it didn't work.
When I cry... I get all red and blotchy faced... what a GREAT look ! sarcasm? I got a trunk full.
Jerry and his brother along with about 14 people from church planned to go shooting guns after church-- Jerry wanted me to come with-- we were going to video tape shooting a pumpkin or two... but the pumpkins were getting soft.
We all met up at the church and drove out to where we were to shoot., At first the weather was typical Oregon stuff rainy but not super cold. but them as we were getting closer to where we were going to be... it started raining...and raining. I was unprepared for the rain, so I spent my time in the truck with Shane... who was happy to be playing DS.
When we got home Shane was upset because I told him, there would be NO MORE video game time today-- he had played the DS the whole time we were shooting , and including the drive to and from church! He promptly got mad at me and stomped off to his room. After a few minutes I went in to talk to him-- once again he was upset that ... he just can't be popular and he doesn't get to DO all the things that other kids do... and that It's not fair,.   I had to explain that when he plays DS he doesn't listen or pay attention and when I have to ask 3-4 times to STOP it's very frustrating-- I also explained to him that when HE has a bad day at church... I have a bad day at church.
I'm feeling beat up and emotional-- I'm sure that my PMS and my head cold are helping me feel like YUCK...
But -- I'm wishing for unconditional love ,.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love you Stace...and ...unconditionally. I hate those kind of days. Your kids always seem to know just exactly what will get to you. I remember that well from my kids too. I am so grateful for that part to be past. I really believe the video games contribute to attention problems as well as emotional separation from reality. I am not saying you should agree or that you should do anything different. Computers are a part of our world after all but I do think they create a lack of empathy in children on many occasions. Children will try and do just about anything to get what they want from you. Instinctively they know when you are weak. Your children know you well Stace and Shane is pushing your buttons hoping for a cave in. I discovered at those times when I was weak it was better to wait much longer than just a few minutes to pursue a discussion. Sometimes a couple of hours can be better. Shane is getting older and knows what he is doing. As mom you feel you should do something right away because you feel bad that he feels bad and you want both of you to feel better. Shane needs to learn to wait for that too and by going in so soon you may be giving him just what he wanted anyway. It is hard to grow up WITH your kids. I still have a hard time letting my son be grown up Stace. I have had to step way back and let him come to me now that he is an "adult". I can't believe he is going to be 26 in a few weeks. ARG....! It just doesn't seem like it when I am with him and I think he doesn't feel like an adult when he is around me even though I really actually do nothing. Practice stepping back some if you can now because it gets harder and harder. You know I love you Stace. You are only human after all and your son loves you very much. With that love comes more emotional turmoil than we ever anticipate I think. Plus I truly believe that it is a natural course of events for many children (especially boys with their moms) to assert their independence in such a fashion because they have to prepare to become an individual who is separate from their parents. You just have to be ready for it. I understand the crying especially with the PMS thing. It all seems to overwhelming at times too. You needed to cry Stace. It's okay. You are a wonderful mom and person and your kids know they are loved. They are also very smart and intelligent. Seems there is a down side to that after all. LOL. I think I recall saying something to the effect of be careful what you wish for.....! Again, Stace, I love you so very much. You are doing a fantastic job. Me