Heavy post... rather depressing and emotional...
I feeling all out of sorts... yesterday I dreamed that I was pregnant and that I gave birth to a dark haired baby girl. Just last night I dreamed that my son was dead and that I saw him in his coffin.
Shane was mad this am " He just doesn't have the childhood he wants... he never gets his sister to play how he wants her to and he doesn't have half the stuff that other kids have. " Such a cheerful kiddo ... and so eager to be positive.
Jerry the kids and I went to church this am... we have a new childrens' ministry leader -- so I was extra motivated to get Shane to be apart of the group and .,..be good....
I went in to service after dropping off Shane and Jessica-- and usually I cry or at least tear up during the singing...not today.
Today-- our pastor Dave said encouragement and I started crying... and I didn't quit.
Yep... I cried during the whole service. I even got up and went to the bathroom to see if I could stop-- it didn't work.
When I cry... I get all red and blotchy faced... what a GREAT look ! sarcasm? I got a trunk full.
Jerry and his brother along with about 14 people from church planned to go shooting guns after church-- Jerry wanted me to come with-- we were going to video tape shooting a pumpkin or two... but the pumpkins were getting soft.
We all met up at the church and drove out to where we were to shoot., At first the weather was typical Oregon stuff rainy but not super cold. but them as we were getting closer to where we were going to be... it started raining...and raining. I was unprepared for the rain, so I spent my time in the truck with Shane... who was happy to be playing DS.
When we got home Shane was upset because I told him, there would be NO MORE video game time today-- he had played the DS the whole time we were shooting , and including the drive to and from church! He promptly got mad at me and stomped off to his room. After a few minutes I went in to talk to him-- once again he was upset that ... he just can't be popular and he doesn't get to DO all the things that other kids do... and that It's not fair,. I had to explain that when he plays DS he doesn't listen or pay attention and when I have to ask 3-4 times to STOP it's very frustrating-- I also explained to him that when HE has a bad day at church... I have a bad day at church.
I'm feeling beat up and emotional-- I'm sure that my PMS and my head cold are helping me feel like YUCK...
But -- I'm wishing for unconditional love ,.