Saturday, September 10, 2011

Being cryptic.

I'm not perfect.   I don't have all the answers.  Sometimes, I don't even want to do the things I must.  There are times when I wanna stay in bed all day long and pretend, I can have a day off. Housecleaning is not my skill set.  Cooking is often only when requested~otherwise you are on your own.
I enjoy doing simple things for other people. I try to find the positive.  I enjoy it when something simple gives me joy.  I try to value the little things.
I do a lot of personal self talk when I feel inadequate.
I now have a 10 year old in 5th grade who is growing up very fast.  I have an almost 9 year old in the third grade that is currently eating  like a teenager.  I am very busy with our PTO, organizing and planning fundraisers and keeping track of the money. I am also in charge of Scholastic stuff at our school and that is a task that takes attention to detail.
I love my two kids, they are each special in many different ways, my daughter is still pushing thru the aftermath of E coli HUS, my son is learning all the time how to manage his SPD.
 So, you can't call them normal-- but they aren't defective either. 
They are simply who they are and I love them.
I struggle with finding a middle ground between being a helicopter parent, or being a lazy I don't care parent.   I want polite kids, but I also want my kids to be able to stand up for themselves. I want my kids to show empathy and concern for others, but I also want them to be emotionally strong kids.
Recently, my daughter Jessica had homework... she needed to put 5 things in a bag that was all about her. She wanted to put stuff in that was all about the E coli sickness.  Jessica was really sick for about a month and a half. I have  a folder with emails, I also have some pictures of her in the hospital room, with the dialysis machine. Jessica had not yet read the emails.  She finally sat down and read them... asking questions here and there.  I wanted to be that parent that could answer the questions and not let the emotions take hold... but I did not  succeed in that task. I got all teary eyed... I had to really pay attention to Jessica's questions-- the words I wanted to say weren't what she was asking.  I wanted to say ... how mad I was that my daughter is damaged because of one trip to the Lane County Fair, I wanted to rant and rave about getting fair animals tested for E coli.
Then Shane -- started in on how HUNGRY he was ... I helped him open with a can opener-- for the first time... tuna fish... he ended up having two cans of tuna fish on crackers, a waffle and some other things... then later he went on to eat dinner.  Finally -- he had eaten enough and we could talk-- he didn't have the best day and so I waited for him to explain his point of view --. I have found that sometimes just letting him talk is exhausting for me... I know he needs that release, but I also wonder what about me?

I just wanted a small thing, without any judgement- that wasn't what I ended up with. darn.
Parenting isn't easy. I just wish that other interpersonal relationships would be easier.  I wish that I had a thicker skin to ignore comments that don't fill me up, I wish that I could have more value to other people.  I wish that my suggestions could be viewed as just asking for information.
Yup, I'm being cryptic. that's all I've got for today.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Stacey I love you so much. You are such a wonderful mom and it is hard to be a parent and sometimes you feel undervalued for sure. Your children value you so much but they just don't realize how you feel yet and that you need reassurance too. It will all go by so fast and you will make it through all this. I value your friendship so very much too. I love that you love simple things in life. I think that's why we are friends. Don't laugh because I'm sayin' I'm simple now.....hehe! You became my friend at that very point in my life where I was feeling the same way. It's hard to have a life outside of your family and get the friend time that you need at this stage but please know that I love you and I think of you and pray for every day. It is also hard to be objective with your own children when they talk. It takes a lot more practice to just listen to your own kids without wanting to interject and correct. One of the greatest things I have learned and still have to "practice" is that sometimes things actually work out without you doing anything. Just listening and sitting back unless absolutely necessary and sometimes people or your children actually figure it out on their own. This is a great gift to give to your family. The ability to figure it out on their own because they had the chance to have someone just listen. I love you Stace. Me